[personal profile] ignited_spirit
This conversation happens every year.

"So, Jennifer. What are your plans for Christmas?"

"Well, my dad, sister, and I are having a ham dinner on Christmas Eve, then we are going down to my "cousin"'s (my dad's best friend's daughter) place for Christmas Eve. Christmas Day, we're having a turkey dinner," I answer.

Then comes the judgemental stares and tone of voice. The probing question that always makes me feel like a horrible person.

"Well, what about your mother?"

"My parents are divorced, and my mother lives out of province," I meekly reply. "She will not be alone at Christmas, so there is no need to worry about that," I add.

"That's no excuse," I hear. "You should go and visit her. You have that week between Christmas and New Years off". More attempts to make feel like a horrible person because I do not spend the holidays with my mother. At this point, I start feeling very uncomfortable and walk away from the conversation. I do not need to justify myself to those nosy people.

My mother and I have not spoken in four years. I broke free of her lies, drama, abuse, and manipulation that had went on for as long as I can remember. I know that not having a relationship with my mother makes me a reprobate, but I think trying to have a phony mother-daughter relationship to appease people would make me an even bigger one.
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Date: 2009-12-20 04:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kelly-pink.livejournal.com
I think you are wise to break-free from that unhealthy relationship. *hugs* Great entry.

Date: 2009-12-22 04:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] so-small.livejournal.com
*hugs* Thank you.

Date: 2009-12-20 05:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] weak-to-strong.livejournal.com
I agree with the above commenter, I think you made a wise decision also. *hug* Hope you have a happy and safe time with your family!

Date: 2009-12-22 04:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] so-small.livejournal.com
*hugs* Thank you.
From: [identity profile] sacramentalist.livejournal.com
"That's no excuse". That's completely out of line. Total ignorance, though. It sounds like something we're all programmed to say.

My girlfriend has no contact with her father (which is a good thing) and spends minimal time with her mother. I think everyone just assumes he's dead. If anyone asked, she'd just say she doesn't talk to him anymore and it kills the conversation dead.

Edited Date: 2009-12-20 05:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] so-small.livejournal.com
It does sound like something we are all programmed to say, for sure!

Date: 2009-12-20 06:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] alephz.livejournal.com
Anyone who'd accept no excuse is a total jagoff and should be disinvited from presence in your life.

Seriously, if there is a point where you say, "Yeah, me and X don't talk much" or "I don't invite X to Christmas", any decent person automatically makes the mental leap to "Ah. There must be a story behind this to which I am not privy."

Date: 2009-12-22 05:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] so-small.livejournal.com
Sadly, I think that the mental filters of some of these people are either non-existent or paper-thin. I wonder how some of them would react if the shoes were on the other foot.

Date: 2009-12-20 06:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gindaisy.livejournal.com
That's just odd. I don't see my dad for any holidays because he lives in another state and always has to work. No one has ever asked me about it.

Date: 2009-12-22 06:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] so-small.livejournal.com
It is odd (actually, I think it's downright ridiculous, but odd will work as well!).

I wonder if some of it has to do with the importance we attach to mothers in our society (and how that importance is not nearly as strong for fathers).

Date: 2009-12-20 06:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pixie117.livejournal.com
I hate people who pass judgement on others. When people ask overly personal questions like that and keep pushing, it bothers me. Bravo for not telling them to mind their own business!

Date: 2009-12-22 06:06 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] so-small.livejournal.com
It bothers me, too. How would these people feel if it was them being asked all these questions??

Date: 2009-12-20 07:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tamaracat.livejournal.com
How you feel about your mom is how I feel about my dad. I totally understand.

Date: 2009-12-22 06:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] so-small.livejournal.com
*hugs* I think there are a lot of people out there who can understand, even if they don't want to admit it.

Date: 2009-12-20 09:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sabbysteg.livejournal.com
I'd probably lie, and say my mom is dead. Or say "My mother is dead to me."

Sometimes the truth is easier, too. "My mom was abusive, and we no longer speak."

Or simply, "She's not involved." Or, "Sorry, that's personal. How about your Christmas plans?"

Date: 2009-12-22 06:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] so-small.livejournal.com
I like that last one. It turns the conversation over to the other person.

Date: 2009-12-20 11:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] oneonthefence.livejournal.com
Short, insightful, and wise. I think you've done the right thing, and have no reason to partake in a phony relationship.

*hugs* You have my vote this week :)

Date: 2009-12-22 06:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] so-small.livejournal.com
*hugs* Thank you.

Date: 2009-12-21 12:01 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] baxaphobia.livejournal.com
I agree. living a lie is harder on you than being true to your feelings. It is difficult to get others to understand that though.

Date: 2009-12-22 06:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] so-small.livejournal.com
It is very difficult to get others to understand that.

Date: 2009-12-21 12:36 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] java-fiend.livejournal.com
You're definitely wise to sever ties with somebody that sounds so toxic... and screw the people that will judge you for it. You owe them no answers or justifications for the way you live your life. Stay strong.

Date: 2009-12-22 06:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] so-small.livejournal.com
Thank you. I just don't understand how people feel that I have to justify myself to them.

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] java-fiend.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-12-23 04:18 am (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2009-12-21 12:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] seizetheday.livejournal.com
That is really inappropriate. I am sorry you had to deal with that. *hugs*

Date: 2009-12-22 06:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] so-small.livejournal.com
*hugs* Thank you.

Date: 2009-12-21 01:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mountainheather.livejournal.com
People can be rude. It doesn't really sound like it's their business. ::Hug::

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] mountainheather.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-12-21 04:53 am (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] so-small.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-12-22 07:04 pm (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2009-12-21 01:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cindylou07.livejournal.com
sometimes people are better off cutting ties with people who literally poison them with their lies and manipulation. I am just sorry that happened to you. :/

Date: 2009-12-22 07:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] so-small.livejournal.com
Thank you. I agree - people can be better off cutting off toxic people.

Date: 2009-12-21 02:59 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cacophonesque.livejournal.com
It blows my mind when people can't manage simple tact and make the leap of understanding that sometimes when we give a short answer there's a ton of story we don't feel like sharing.

Sharing DNA with someone doesn't mean we owe them anything.

Date: 2009-12-22 07:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] so-small.livejournal.com
I have to wonder when it became normal to lack that brain-to-mouth filter. I keep running across people in real life who just do not think before they speak.

I agree completely with your last sentence.

Date: 2009-12-21 03:55 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lijepanena.livejournal.com
I only wish that I could have done that with my father before he died instead of taking care of his abusive ass until his death.

You are saving yourself SO MUCH GRIEF by disowning her.

Date: 2009-12-22 08:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] so-small.livejournal.com
I agree completely with your last sentence. I have felt better about myself since disowning her.

Date: 2009-12-21 05:50 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] photodiva02.livejournal.com
I remember when you were going through that and it was very sad. Sometimes you have to step back and do what is right for you. I've learned late in life, but better late than never that you don't own anybody anything...

xoxo

PS: Glad you are still in the running... :D
Edited Date: 2009-12-21 05:51 am (UTC)

Date: 2009-12-22 08:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] so-small.livejournal.com
That is a key lesson - that we don't owe anyone anything.

Thanks - I think I will be eliminated this week, though.

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] photodiva02.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-12-23 12:04 am (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2009-12-21 11:29 am (UTC)
ext_5285: (Default)
From: [identity profile] kiwiria.livejournal.com
Why will some people not accept that occasionally a mother is nothing more than a DNA donor?! I'm sorry. You're doing the right thing.

Date: 2009-12-22 08:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] so-small.livejournal.com
I wonder if "Honor thy mother" has become so ingrained in people that they forget that not everyone is able to do so.

Thank you.

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] kiwiria.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-12-22 09:03 pm (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2009-12-21 11:47 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mstrobel.livejournal.com
That's rough. What is it any of their business? Saying your mother lives elsewhere should be enough without people nosing for more. And good on you for breaking free.

Date: 2009-12-22 08:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] so-small.livejournal.com
It is rough. I just do not understand why people have to be so intrusive sometimes.

Date: 2009-12-21 04:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] landorki.livejournal.com
You have a friend in me! I got married in July... my mother was not invited... I broke free of her lies, drama, abuse, and manipulation that had went on for as long as I can remember. I know that not having a relationship with my mother makes me a reprobate, but I think trying to have a phony mother-daughter relationship to appease people would make me an even bigger one. you have to make yourself happy... WE have to make OURSELVES happy. I do not have any guilt for cutting my mother out of my life... and neither should you! Be honest with people... "My mother and I do not have a great relationship... We are better off with distance between us" and leave it at that. If people keep pushing it... tell them it is a long story.. ***hugs***

Date: 2009-12-22 09:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] so-small.livejournal.com
*hugs* I'm sorry you had to cut your mother out of your life, too. It is good on some level to have someone who can relate to this, though.

Date: 2009-12-21 04:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] libra-dragon.livejournal.com
I am sorry you have to deal with that.

Date: 2009-12-22 09:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] so-small.livejournal.com
Thank you.

Date: 2009-12-21 05:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] beautyofgrey.livejournal.com
Be true to yourself.

Date: 2009-12-22 09:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] so-small.livejournal.com
Thank you. That is something that I really need to remember.

Date: 2009-12-21 05:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] my-name-is-jenn.livejournal.com
Yeah, the phony, pretend relationship is always worse. I'm doing it now with my mom, and can't wait until I'm out of her house so I can stop pretending.

Date: 2009-12-22 09:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] so-small.livejournal.com
I agree with you. We're not being true to ourselves otherwise.

Date: 2009-12-21 06:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] liret.livejournal.com
I am constantly surprised for how many people think I owe them an explanation for the fact that my mother isn't part of my life. I'm not sure why anyone thinks they know how others should deal with their family.

Date: 2009-12-22 09:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] so-small.livejournal.com
I'm not sure of that, either. Maybe they are masking their own issues with their family.

Date: 2009-12-21 06:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] risingtofall.livejournal.com
WTF who are these people that can't mind their own buisness and make judgements about something they know nothing about?! If someone listed seeing their family and didn't include their mother or father, I would never ask "well why not?". RUDE!

Date: 2009-12-22 09:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] so-small.livejournal.com
It is - what if that person's family member had passed on? What if that person's family member lived far away and going to visit was impossible that year?

I wish people would use their heads sometimes...
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